I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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