I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
