He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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