We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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