I hate your face
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
