return my video game
the condom got lost in my hair
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
