he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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