you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
