I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
