She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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