he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
