Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
