my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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