If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
