yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
