my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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