I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Also, beer. Big fan.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
