Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
if only i could text you this smell
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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