She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
