So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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