Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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