Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
