the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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