So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
