Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
