just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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