There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
