I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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