Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
