She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
