was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
