When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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