the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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