I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
