Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
