A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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