Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
