How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
