I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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