Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
