he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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