I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
