I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
