Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
