sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
