Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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