just come out here and I will go home with you...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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