she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
