after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
