after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
