Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
